Sunday, July 23, 2006

'Horrorscope'

This was written approximately two years ago, when the then editor-in-chief aka Su had insisted vehemently that the MaG was almost ready and that he was waiting exclusively for my article. Ofcourse that MaG has never seen the light of the day or the artificial light of the night until now .. and since I dont expect it to see any either, I am reproducing it here. And it is quite suitable too, comes as it does at the begining of the new academic year and a new life for me and many of my friends....

A Peek into the Unknown !!!

Dedicated to the all the people who are actually reading this article (if u can call it that)

Acknowledgement:
This piece of non-fiction was written on the sole insistence of the Editor-in-Chief of the Interface. It’s not his fault, just that there was nothing to fill up this place.

Disclaimer:
The author does not take any responsibility or liability if anything that is stated within turns out to be true.

Preface:
This article has been written with the aim of dispiriting as many people as it can. The job would be well done if at least half the people who read this are turned into hardcore pessimists. We all are sick of reading the daily-weekly-monthly-yearly predictions that are dished out to us by the innumerable publications. The dose of astrology that many of us cannot do without is so 'crystal clear' that it can never be proved either right or wrong. "A problem has been occupying your mind for some time,"(Who the hell doesn’t have problems?) "Its solution may come nearer this week" (It was coming nearer last week too!). "Your romance may take on a new shape" (Its already invisible, who cares what new shape it takes? ). Or the all time favourite "You will settle in your life in the coming future."(As if I expected to get settled in the past!) Hence the author has taken onto himself the noble task of predicting the future as it should be, simple and straightforward. No frills or fuzziness.

Here comes a DisAmbiguated look into the Future !

Now lets begin from the beginning:

All the people who were born in the month of January: (Yep, Sun-Signs have no place in this flavour of astrology)
You all were actually a born a bit after your time. That is to say, you are quite old-fashioned. You have no sense whatsoever of the changing times. You try to cling onto the past. Before the next issue of Echoes, you will be dealt with a severe blow, not emotionally or professionally but physically. The reason, uhm i am unable to cobble up any. Anyway, u better stay away from the heavy-weights, literally.

For all the people who were born between 19th and 26th of any month:
Unlike the Januarians, u people are actually before your time. So u always find yourselves to be the ones waiting for the other person to turn up, who most often doesn’t turn up at all. Basically you are loners, but always trying to maintain a large following, but in order to be among people, u tend to follow someone even if you are against them. Nothing interesting ever happens to you, So there is nothing much to predict about u.

Those who were born between 19th-26th of Jan :
You always think about the past whenever you are made to wait.

Those who celebrate the Date-of-Birth in Nov or Dec :
You are quite extravagant. You want to do everything in a grand fashion. Fortuantely of unfortunately u fail miserably in your attempts at grandeur. They are nothing but mediocre. But dont worry the future holds some promise for you. Your financial position is going to deteriorate to such a level that u will no longer be able to think or act lavishly. From Riches to Rags, thats your life-story.

Those who bloomed in Spring time:
You are quite opposite to the time when u were born. Instead of being bright and cheerful, you are always gloomy and depressed. A born pessimist that you are, you expect nothing but the worst. Dont worry, your expectation is gonna come true. The following weeks would be one of the worst in your life. And it will not get any better. So save your glum for the future too.

Those who belong to Sept and Oct:
I am not going to predict anything for these people. They do not believe in such stuff. None of them is going to read this. If anyone belonging to this group has actually read till here, I suggest u better go and check your date of birth. You have been celebrating the wrong day all these years.

Those who fell onto this earth with the rains:
Simple and clear you appear on the outside,
but the gap with the fact is quite wide.
Cunning and scheming that you are,
there isn’t a day that u haven’t lied.
Your deeds are going to catch up with you in the next month. But you won't learn any lessons from this experience. You would still be as sly and wily as ever. It’s in your nature after all.

Those who were born either between the dates 3rd May-14th May or 17th June-23rd June:
You are quite a special group. Unlike others, you are quite similar to the time of the year that you were born. Always hot and fuming. If it were in your hands, everyone u didn’t love would be burned to ashes. Fortunately for us, your hands hold no powers. However there is the anger simmering within you. I advise all the others (esp Januarians) to stay away from them. Their volcanoes may burst sooner than later.

The Februarians:
You are quite a good people actually and always think of the benefit of others. But somehow your actions result otherwise. Forever the innocent culprit, you are the one who always end up with the brickbats. This month would be no different. You would be abused left, right and center.

All the rest:
Your future is too insignificant to even deserve one sentence.

Afterword: If anything predicted above turns out to be true, please do inform the author so that such errors aren’t repeated in the future.

ps: Incase you are wondering about the author’s birth date, it in February :D

For the future members of the MaG TeaM: You are allowed to publish this piece incase you want to and you are actually getting the 'Interface' published. You may find it as a file in your 200 account by the name 'Why.txt'. Now dont ask me 'why' it was named so.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

lol

yash said...

Now I know, why mag has never seen the "light of the day"

If any of the future mag members is actually thinking of publishing this article, go get your brains checked :P

Anonymous said...

am i supposed to laugh after reading this !!!

kunal said...

Interesting... :P

Rakesh said...

:) good one.. I wonder who will go to such an astrologer...

mythalez said...

@anon1, my task is done as atleast one found it humourous :D

@yash, the past mag editor was pretty aghast that I went ahead and published this instead of waiting for the MaG to be brought out :D

@anon2, your namesake has already shown the way :P

yash said...

okay .. so now we know who needs a brain check.

:)

Write more articles re ..

mythalez said...

@kunal, wats interesting? the artice or ur predicted future?? :D

@rakesh, those who want the unbiased truth ?? *chuckle*

@yash, yeah .. now we have agreed ..

the-think said...

*GASP*!! I was born in October, I tell ya!! But I read it! *GASP*!!!

hehehe....very well written!
it's great to come back after a long time and see stuff like this.

That erstwhile Ed-in-C said...

::curses::

mythalez said...

@persephone, thanku thanku ^:)^ .. btw, did u chk ur date of birth then?? ;))

@Su, ::evil laughs::