Monday, November 19, 2012

Writing

I used to believe that the proper way of writing a story is to have it all formed in your mind, scene by scene, and then to narrate it beautifully.

But I could never do it that way. Spontaneous creation, with only a faint inkling of the plot, seemed to be the only way I was capable of writing. I considered myself all the more amateur because of that.

Only now I feel that my belief was a false imposition. Writing for me is not a process of narration, but a process of discovery! :)

Friday, November 02, 2012

Half-year's thoughts, some pontifications ;)

What?! Another post within the span of a month! Yes, seems like my mind finally has thoughts again. Not an exaggeration. It was pretty much blank for the previous many months. Okay, there did occur dreams occasionally, mostly about eating good variety of food (especially those that I had cut out of my diet :P) and maybe about going out of the house and roaming about in the city. But nothing much apart from those.

So I guess the mind being active again is an extremely good sign. I think we tend to underestimate the amount of energy used by our brains. We think it is all the muscles and stuff that eat up the food, but really, the brain needs much more. I could feel the stress involved in concentrating on anything beyond a cursory level. For example, reading anything for any amount of time was doable, but writing even small reply-mails seemed quite taxing.

Anyway, I thought I will make a small list of a few things I noticed over my stay back at home in Hyderabad, back in India, for the last 6 months.

@ Contrary to popular belief, a 'long-term' patient is not fond of entertaining questions about his/her health. Yes, it is true that the enquirers are only showing their concern and wishing them a speedy recovery, but the patient grows quite tired of repeating the same responses again and again to different people :P. Worsening matters, classifying recovery is such a subjective thing that often the patient has no clue about it either and hence is hesitant to reveal his/her ignorance :P.

# The body and mind are quite adaptive. They adjust to a routine even if the routine is outright outrageous. After a length of time, anything can feel normal. Only when the changes roll back, does one recognise the adaptation that had occurred . 

& Moving beyond self, let me now rant about others. Actually, in a way, it is still about me ;). I know that we Indians are not supposed to arrive on time. That it is a requirement to come at least 30 mins later than what you say, and fashionable to arrive at least a couple of hours late. I know all this pretty well. But still am unable to readjust! Despite my best efforts, I still end up getting ready on time and end up waiting to be picked up. That wait is never delicious. Or in the other cases, despite arriving at the venue quite late, or rather what I think is quite late, I still find myself the first one there. The other 6-8 people arrive even later! 

% English seems to much more in vogue during public intercourse than before. Or perhaps it is the same and I just didn't notice it earlier? Especially when people are talking to some staff person (like a sales person, waiter et al.), they tend to use English. Yeah, I know in Hyderabad, there is always the uncertainty over whether the other person is a Telugu or a Hindi/Urdu speaker. But that doesn't seem to be the reason behind this English explosion. People are just becoming 'posher' :P. However, strangely, I find myself addressing any staff-member in Hindi or Telugu rather than English. But does that result in me getting a lower quality of service, given that I use the vernacular? That's a question up for debate ;). 

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Some Numbers


117 days since the last post -- a hiatus resulting partly from being miffed, and partly from finding it pointless to say anything.

11 months since that fateful day when it all came to the fore. Again. Would never have guessed the consequences.

5 months 9 days since I moved back home.

3 times I have managed to go out of the house to meet friends in this time.

7 books have been read. The last one too big to be read completely, being a collection of all the author's works.

5 different types of medical systems I have tried. One of which is of course conventional Allopathy :P.

4 weeks before I travel again :).

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Atrophy

One day
Will be gone
You may look
You may wonder
Or may be not notice
But one day
I would have withered away.

Every day
An inch I disappear
Imperceptibly.
You may still rescue
And I may still remain
But would you?
Save me again?

PS - I guess this might end up being the blog birthday post! 8 years done .... how many more?

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Last Week


Dusting off the bags
Sorting through the shelves
Things you need
Things you want
And those to discard
But can't

A forlorn list of "to-do"
Many strikes and items few
Tasks, some still stubborn
Others mere wishes
And those you wanna do
But can't

Gatherings and rendezvous
Scheduled and still in plans
With some, just a last one
Others, maybe a couple more
And those to meet perpetually
But can't.

Friday, April 20, 2012

A 'Last Day'

Okay. So here we are finally. Am in office on my last official working day. Given that I actually haven't been to office since the day I resigned 4 weeks ago, and that I really had stopped working a long time before that, today is largely symbolical :P. Also I had to come in to return my card, laptop etc, say bye to people and perhaps collect a farewell gift ;).

Colleagues are surprised when they learn that I am not moving onto a new job but rather moving back to home country and doing nothing, at least for a few months. It still seems to fun to tell people of my plans, or rather the lack of them, and watch their expressions :D.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Quit.

So I resigned from my job. The notice period of 4 weeks starts now, which basically means I will be paid for 4 more weeks for barely doing any work ;)

Let me explain before the bombardment of questions like: "found new job?", "what next?", "why?" et al.

I haven't found any new job and I do not know 'what next' in terms of my career. In fact, am not even that bothered about it right now. All I know is that in a month's time I shall be returning to Hyderabad and staying at home for a few months. How many? Again, I don't know :P

Several justifications do exist for this apparently radical decision --

£. Money? It is a myth that one needs to be continually employed. Why can't one work for just a while, save up some money, stop working and live on the savings until they are exhausted, then go back to work and repeat the cycle? Of course, it is not possible for everyone, but I have no responsibilities or commitments and I can afford to do this ;). Also having the safety net called family provides the required confidence for the step.

$. Health. There is the belief that going home will improve the health. This approach hasn't been verified and it may not work. However, staying at home will certainly relieve the stress of managing everything oneself. Being completely independent is actually quite fun but it is not that much fun any more when you are barely able to hold everything together. In the fairly ill periods, the idea of being back home seems very inviting, the familiarity and support reassuring. However, in the fairly okay periods, the happy self takes over and questions the logic of leaving behind my happening life here - all the friends, the gatherings, some of the comforts, the weather ;), the ground-breaking sky-shattering research work, etc - for some drab unexciting existence back home. In the end, I suppose the former sense prevailed.

Wow, my medical conditions can actually have a major influence on my career. I never looked at it that way, until now.

€. Job? It is not as if I was looking to continue in this job all my life. Plans to move onto something were always in the making. Just that nothing came up that was worth moving onto. Well, I seem to have decided to move on, nevertheless :P. Doesn't imply that I will end up finding awesome work next, but maybe it's better to move than being stuck in the doldrums - even if the doldrums are around a relaxing tropical paradise.

On that unusual extension to the clichéd metaphor, we shall end our 'dear diary' chat for today :P.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Move .. more or less ..

It is supposed to be scary. It does seem to scare others, at least, momentarily. It is supposed to be a big overhaul, and it certainly is. Perhaps more than most realise. Even I am yet to comprehend. Not even close.

Am I stepping out of a spiral or obliviously diving into one?

How often do such moments appear? Everything is running smoothly, at least superficially, and then all of a sudden.... No, there is no snap, no trigger. At most, there might have been a few hints of them, here and there. But somewhere in the back of the mind, things have been decided and so they will stand.

Unexpectedly, informing others only seems to strengthen the resolve rather than darkening the shadows of doubts.

Everything has to go, everything has to change, but for what? And why? These questions are unanswered and will remain so.

This is a step not to find answers but to confront self with a new set of questions. A rehaul of the array of challenges.

Will I regret it? Don't think I'll let that happen :)

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Blank

To just listen
Blankly.

To stop wondering
What's here, what's happening
Fallen off desire
Nostalgic without memories
An amnesiac of dreams
To make the thoughts retire

Unanswered questions
Some painful assumptions
Lost, never owned
Possibilities seared, discarded
Yearning jeered, mocked
Perhaps, better alone...

Saturday, February 11, 2012

2 .. 3 .. 5 .. 8

You are supposed to believe that 28 is just another number. But is it? It takes you one year closer to 30 than 25. How does that matter? Well, isn't 25 like the ideal age? The age where you are permitted to do everything and anything but have no responsibilities whatsoever [and in my  case, no money either :P ]. In other news, can't believe that it is approaching 2 1/2 years since I got my PhD officially becoming a doctor.

The years do go faster as the number of years increase. Clearly that is because there are fewer fascinatingly new  experiences and also because, the brain stores lesser snapshots of life as the years pass on. However, such medical wisdom serves no purpose when one is in the whirlpool of nostalgia, getting sucked in by one memory at a time...

Obviously, it is best to just enjoy the present than to wonder about its preservation.

Of course, stuff of various colours and varying concentrations consumed in orderless fashion does make you want to write spontaneous blog posts .....

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

"Poetry"


Many a verse, many an allegory
Has flowed through this tapping
Many a muse, many a fantasy
Had been so captured literally

Strange hence that you and me
Have in our own unique way
Went beyond the usual nicety
Stranger still, this missing poetry

Stranger though, than all the above
With pity, I have now realised
Nothing good ever happens after the dark twelve
Of course, except you, and me, and love ;)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Prague .. and this isn't a travelogue!

subtitle: Praha - the place where you go 'wah wah'

I went there some months ago, but ADD has prevented me from archiving it anywhere except for some pictures uploaded to Facebook. Really, with these smart phones with cameras, that is not much of a task. On the other hand, the fact that I actually did take some photos is quite laudable :P. Anyway, coming to Prague, here are some bullet points -

^ Everyone (irrespective of whether they actually have been there or not :P) claims that Prague is breathtakingly beautiful. Well, I can assure you that those claims are well founded. Those who have been there as tourists also claim that the centre is just a huge mela of tourists. That I can assure you, is also well founded. Having visited in the off-season, I actually shudder to think how it is during the holiday season. The only people you find in the centre of Prague are either tourists, guides, or people selling something to the tourists. And the streets are lined with (apart from 'places of interest') only restaurants, cafes, souvenir shops, and other places for tourists.

_ The visual highlights like the castle with its palaces, the statues lined ancient bridge, clock tower, central square, cathedral etc are all expectedly dazzling. However, every building in the centre appears unique and attractive in its own right. A trigger happy photographer would never be able to stop shooting if not for the constraints of time, disk space and patience of his/her companions. There are also a plethora of museums, dedicated to the various personalities and art forms there, any of which I haven't visited :P.

$ There were also many ultra-modern buildings, some dancing away in the lights, albeit outside the city centre. The metro + tram network is quite efficient and takes you everywhere, including to the top of the castle-hill. And in that area, is also the Czech version of the Eiffel Tower. Having seen the japanese version and also the original, this one didn't have much going for it except for the fact that it is actually possible to climb or descend all the stairs :P. Nearby, however, was this unexpected attack of metallic zombies in an otherwise unremarkable area.

£ If you eat like a local, the food is quite cheap and very very filling. The local aka non-tourist-focused pubs and eateries are quite charming. However, one thing I didn't manage to figure out is whether, after entering a place, you wait to be seated or you just pick an empty table. Oh, and the Czechs do love to announce everywhere that it is around here that the real beer was created ;).

€ And I spotted 'Cafe Coffee Day' outlets and I couldn't convince myself it was the real one. It was quite astounding that I had come across one in Vienna which I later checked online to find that it was their only outlet outside India (apart from Karachi). But Prague too?! Yeah, they apparently recently opened in Prague as well! They need to make me their international ambassador as I seem divinely capable of spotting their outlet hidden in any corner of Europe :P.

# The most fascinating aspect of Prague for me were the small, almost unnoticeable quirks abound everywhere. Like the railings of a very small bridge covered with padlocks with no apparent explanation, or the statue of Churchill in a desolate corner next to the British Consulate, or an Absinth speciality shop playing Pink Floyd very loudly on an otherwise serene and posh looking street.

Oh and if you are harbouring plans of being an unscrupulous ruler or official in Prague, be prepared against defenestration ;).

Monday, January 02, 2012

old year post

2011 was supposed to either a dull year or an year of upheaval ... but as with most such rather extreme predictions, it was neither, but lay somewhere in between. There had to be several cute changes obviously :P. From automatically learning how to eat with chopsticks (as that was the only means of survival there) to starting to cook pasta regularly (no idea why I never tried it before!), to learning to drive and managing to get a driving licence, there have been several step ups. And some step downs as well I suppose which I conveniently don't bother to recollect now :P. In any case, the major highlights maybe listed:

- Finally started writing .... and then stopped ... with the hope of resuming/restarting soon.
- Prepared sincerely and then had to stop ... and was left at a point where all directions seemingly lead nowhere in particular :P.
- Got involved and then somehow stopped .... short-lived fun better than exasperatingly long?
- Got seriously sick again and trying to stop... it's a war to end all wars! ;)

Enough about mythalez, what about the world you ask? Well, 2011 was a year of discontent. In both the political and economic aristocracies. So what about 2012 then, you ask? Don't ask me, ask the Mayans :P

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Ungarnished

£ - It has been a long time since I permitted myself to ramble instinctively. And truthfully. Without having to obfuscate the sentences so as to abstractify the content. I don't remember when I stopped writing for myself. Well, I still do, but I write for the superficial self, not the subconscious one. Actually, I barely write at all. Just dragging it along, with a post a month, just to convince myself that it is not dead, as yet. Barely holding onto the innate ability to spew out typed words without having to consider them rationally. That is a contradiction, right. If it is an innate ability, I don't have to try hold on to it. It is not going to disappear. But then, how can you be sure? What if it does? What if you sit down one day and realise you have been left bereft? What would you do then? Read books, any books, well written books, books in which words are sewn together in such fascinating ways as to arouse both joy and awe symbiotically? Read them all with the prayer that some such magic spawned by someone will unearth that buried aptitude to just let the words flow and semantics emerge without having to create them. 

£ - I always did believe, that real art is not created by the artist. It is not made through a lot of deliberation and holding a conference in the mind. It is actually, just uncovered by him, or her. The artist would not be able to say how and why it came about. It just did. He was fortunate enough to discover it and present it to us. Or she. The best artists are mere couriers.

£ - Isn't it exasperating that English, despite all these years of evolution and assimilation of languages from around the world, has still not managed to provide us with a gender-less third person singular pronoun? Seriously, how hard can it be. A small collection of some three-four letters, perhaps only one of which would be a vowel, would save us from the danger of appearing sexist by using just 'he' or pedantic by using 'he/she'. And of course, also protect us from appearing as if trying too hard to be different, by using just 'she'. I would suggest 'ghe'. Not too hard to pronounce, yet the sound is distinctive enough to avoid any confusion with 'he', 'she', or 'we'.

£ - Do you ever look back and wonder how far we have come? Do you turn around and ask yourself, how did I jump over that fence? When did I run cross that farm? How come I didn't realise I was swimming when I crossed that river? They say (yes, the proverbial 'they') that things look much harder when you stare are confronted by them as compared to when you actually overcome them later. But have they ever looked at the vice versa bit? Have they noticed that often something that has been done, is actually so impossible that it could not have been imagined, had it not actually been done? 

Stepping out of a spiral may apparently unleash an unnecessary profusion of ungarnished thoughts.

Friday, November 25, 2011

"Watching"


tick-tocking silently, a hand marking the seconds
lazily, his eye chases it round and round
the other eye shut, as a resting dog
in his brain, not a thought could risk being found

the register lay open, pages unbothering to flutter
half empty chai glass having an identity crisis
his unpolished shoes lording over the desk
still air competing to be stiller as the sultry sun is.

Then the sand whirled into dust, the gate rattled
wheels scarred the path with a noisy engine throb
his legs swung over to the ground as torso raised itself
he saluted at attention and trembled a “Salaam Saab!”

Thursday, November 10, 2011

galli galli mein kirrkett!

Cricket. India. As a child, when you have finally managed to learn how to walk and are running around the house to exercise your new found mobility, inevitably, a hollow plastic stick will be thrust into your hands and a plastic sphere will be thrown towards you. And you swing your arms. In your mind you are mimicking the very actions that you have seen some brown, white and black men do on the television, day in and day out. All this happens within the confines of your home. In my case, I think it was the terrace of our joint-family house at that time. Or perhaps it was the big partitioned room that served as the flat for my family.

Soon enough, I graduated to small locally made wooden bats and rubber balls. And to the sprawling post-office campus next door to our house. In Berhampur, our house was bang in the centre of the town - with the the police HQ on one side, the central post office on the other, and with the bus station opposite our house. There was also some sort of a stadium beyond the bus station, but we, the common public, were never allowed into it. Anyway, the post office with its vast unused paved areas was my own stadium. Played there with brother, the couple of cousins of my age, whenever they visited, and eventually with some school friends. Occasionally, though, an enterprising shot would go high and far enough to hit a glass window somewhere, leading to a clang, a shout from within the building, and a dash by us to vanish from the crime scene. Some other times, without even having caused any damage, some bloke (possibly just been humiliated by his boss [snigger] ) would come out of the offices and order us out of the premises.

We obviously needed alternate arrangements for these periods when the post office was out of bounds. And that's where divinity helped :P. Oh I didn't mention right; opposite our house on the other side, was a catholic church (yep, there were roads, pretty busy main roads on both sides of our house). It had a lush green lawn lying vacant on one side (not the cemetery side :P). This lawn would become our playground for some period, until usually the church is taken over by some sort of event (weddings perhaps?), with no regard for the sporting needs of the surrounding community. Then, we would sneak back into the post office, rightly continuing the cycle.

The other town that was enthralled by my galli cricket during this period was Tenali - whenever I went to visit my grandparents. Depending on where my cousins lived, we would either occupy their front yard or their rooftop. Always preferred the front yard; playing on the rooftop was more of a stair climbing exercise rather than any fun. Any mishit or a wild shot by someone overcome with emotion would have to be followed by first locating where the ball fell on the street, and then going down three levels of stairs to the road to retrieve it. Sometimes, the ball would conveniently rest in the open flowing drain. Retrieving it on such occasions involved some dexterity of using two long sticks as chopsticks to pick it up from the drain and then rolling it around on some nearby sand to dry it up. The ends we had to go for a few hours of cricketing enjoyment!

As I moved into the teens, I graduated to bigger cities - Chennai and then Hyderabad - and also to true 'galli  cricket'. Yes, at the first house in Hyderabad, I used to play on the street in front of our apartment. It was very limiting though. Only straight shots were allowed. Any slight angle on your shot, and you have likely lost yet another ball. Soon, however, we moved to a different apartment, and clearly a much better one, as it provided two options for playing areas-- the vast square behind the building, which never had any traffic or the basement of the building itself (which was actually for vehicle parking, but a side of it was left unused; this side also got filled up with dirty rain water every monsoon season). I loved playing in the basement the most. Mainly because it was only conducive to my favourite version of the game with all fielders closed in, and airy shots that directly hit the low roof being declared out. Hence, one ended up being 'technical' :P 

Anyway, most of the games of the teens were played in what can be called grounds. The most frequented one being the one pretty close to home. We (me, my classmate, his brothers and some of their neighbourhood kids) would have regular and quite serious matches against the kids of the adjacent 'basti' (slum). With hard taped tennis balls (rather than the rubber ones), sticks for stumps rather than stones, and all the field around the bat being in play (rather than just the area down the wicket), this was a close to proper cricket as I would have hoped then ;). 

Cricket wasn't a frequent activity while in IIIT (not for amateurs like me that is :P). Of course, there were the occasional games on the lawns of the hostel all of which invariably had to end with losing the ball in the surrounding hedges. Only towards the end of the years there, did some of us amateurs also start playing on the main sporting ground. I actually preferred the lawn over the ground though. The lawn with its fast paced game, unexpected events and close-in bantering was definitely more fun than the more sober ground version.

And then the lands where cricket first developed - South England! Ironically, though, there was no regular cricket for me here. Was put off by all the formal games happening all around-- everyone belonging to some or the other club team and dressing up in the whole gear paraphernalia as if going into battle :P But there have been exceptions, of course, involving a 'galli' style version of the game. The first one has been well documented here by a great reporter called mythalez :P A couple of games over the years at the same location followed. However, the whole career spanning over 2 decades came to fruition in September this year, when I had been finally persuaded to play a proper game; to make up numbers for the flailing village team of my ex-supervisor for their second last game of the season. Even managed to get a pair of white, crickety trousers for the occasion! But then, of course, the match had to be rained out. However, patience is the key to playing cricket they say ;). So for the final game of their season, I turned up again, and this time, we did get to play! Wearing those pads and gloves left me completely bewildered for a while though.  Sensibly, did not try putting on the helmet too! Not needed either as we were playing some local church team who didn't seem any better than me :D. And soon I got into the groove and started playing decently. And then, soon enough, got out :P. Thus, I made my debut in the formal game of cricket. Perhaps, that was also to be my last game ..... who knows!  (any comparisons with Dravid's T20 career are welcome ;) )

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Awake ... and this is October

»» Okay, this would be my first post on the new upgraded version of Blogger. This upgrade should have happened many years ago. While others like Wordpress and Tumblr reached the moon, Blogger was still building a boat to cross a river. At least, finally now it has managed to catch up with the others. Oh, and why did I persist with this dinosaur-like blogging platform for so long, you may ask. I can only attribute my dedication to Blogger to my laziness and the reluctance to change my blog URL. Anyhow, google has finally deigned that Blogger needs to be improved, and lo, behold, it has!

«« Why haven't I posted in September? Oh, in case you haven't noticed, over the past year, I have been striving to at least post once a month. And I have managed to maintain the trend. Until September of course. My excuse? I was to wake up when September ends :P. Okay okay, that is quite a cliche now :P. Truth be told, it didn't cross my mind until towards the end of September. And then, surprise of surprises, I was so caught up with work and other activities, that I barely had time to sit down and procrastinate. Of course, such rare busy'ness does bring out my inherently awesome writing abilities. But in this case, they were being put  to task for writing the research papers rather than inane blog posts (this shouldn't be construed as a claim that the research papers are extremely important :P ).  In the end, I decided to let September pass by without a blog-post rather than forcing out a pointless, mediocre post (clearly, the same reasoning doesn't seem to hold for October).

«« Working with the real world is way more painful than meddling around with things that only exist in simulations or in the abstract domain of mathematics. And this real world pain arises out of two things: hardware and humans (or replace 'humans' with 'unaware', to maintain consistency :P). Hardware works or doesn't work as per its fancy. When it works, you start frantically figuring out why it is finally working, and before you make any progress, it would stop working. Then you spend time figuring out why it worked initially. The cycle continues until you replace the hardware and begin a new cycle or, you replace the task and not need the hardware :P.  And as about humans, they are erratic, irrational and afraid of everything. They might exhibit these essential behaviours through an assortment of other annoying characteristics... 

Does the above sound like I might be a supporter of the creation of the Matrix?